From Unmothered to Empowered

Grief can pick the worse time to take over your life. For me, it happened in the beginning of the pandemic. After years of managing, emotionally I fell apart.

Cancer sucks. In 2001, I lost my mother to breast cancer. I spent years grieving her death, and I thought I was through it. But there I was nearly 19 years later, feeling small, bewildered, and lost all over again. I had a heavy weight on my chest, and I couldn’t cry it away. It felt like my mother had just died.

On top of that, every area of my life seemed upside down. I was already in therapy. But life was choking me, and I couldn’t catch my breath.

Writing soothes the soul

I had been trying to finish my memoir for years. I had about half the book written, but I was stuck and couldn’t figure out why.

I was stuck in my career, stagnant in my marriage, and unsure as a mother.

Every space seemed unfamiliar, like uncharted territory, and I didn't know how to fix it.

But a voice said, write the book. So I didn’t give up.

Unmothered

I worked with a writing coach who helped me dissect my story. As I outlined the book, I realized I was in denial about my mother and her role in my life.

I’d fooled myself into thinking that having a mother present at home meant she was a good mother.

Although you can still love your mother, even when she’s not good for you or supportive of you—there is a cost.

For me, the costs were fear of rejection, low self-confidence, and people pleasing among other issues now wreaking havoc in my mind, relationships, and career.

The Secret

But then a surprising thing happened—I allowed myself to grief. And I grieved multiple aspects of my relationship with my mother and losing her to cancer.

That's how I unlocked the secret to healing the mother wound and moving from unmothered to empowered.

The Healing Journey

I describe the healing journey as acceptance, grief, forgiveness, and renewal.

Here’s what it looked like for me and what it could mean for you:

• Acknowledging that my mother had not been good to me and accepting it.

• Feeling the loss (grieving) not having a mother…the things we'd never do. How she would never grow or change…the relationship we'd never have.

• Releasing/forgiving. Releasing the dream that my mother could have been a different mother or a kinder, sweeter one.

• Releasing the guilt of trying to change my mother and failing. And trying to parent myself and failing.

• Forgiving myself for choices and mistakes I made while trying to survive.

• Renewing my commitment to myself.

• Analyzing my relationships and career. Deciding which rules of engagement were serving me well and which ones weren’t.

• Setting boundaries and goals that skyrocketed my career, supported my family, and improved my self-esteem.

Pain and Purpose

My book Unmothered: A Daughter’s Guide to Acceptance, Healing, and Renewal is a story of pain and ultimately, triumph. If you’re ready to do things differently, it can help you transform your life.

These steps to healing are my gift to you. They are my coaching framework to help you rise above the trauma, find out who you are, and create an action plan to repair your relationships, and secure your future.

Here’s to your healing!

—Onjeinika